202: Jie

Y'know how harsh i am towards you,

because i love you and i don't want to see you at such a point,

whereby i know you could do so much better because you are capable of.

Love you Jie,

Mei.

201

You can't just go around saying what you like.

Protect.

Help not let crumble.

/

Sinking further.

How far must I fall to see the importance in things?

I'm losing.

I'm losing it.

I'm so far behind.

Beautiful, would be to leave everything and have nothing on hand to fuss over.

Fact:

I'm nothing but disappointment so don't expect too much

:)

Looking back

I just looked back on what i wrote,

and i cannot believe that was me.

Me writing.

Typing.

Whatever, but basically me.

I'm tired.

And school's at 9 tomorrow.

But thank God it ends at 12.

Should just go.

Right?

Then rush home for 3d + 2d + CCS

how would you describe life right now?

crazy, stressful, scary to a certain extent, lacking God.

Ask me anything

First Love,

I need the point when i first loved,

if i ever truly did.

I need a touch,

warmth, peace, presence.

I cannot feel, i cannot sense, i am frustrated.

Am i truly seeking?

Am i truly truly a believer?

Are my doubts getting in the way?

Have i ever felt the love or His presence?

I've felt peace.

I don't know.

I need faith so strong,

i need hope so strong,

that I could move mountains.

Rising rhythm

Because i need to feel my worth and know my worth, by myself x for myself.

I need to know that i can make it.

I need to know that it's not the looks that matter.

I need to know that i am capable.

I need to know that i will be treasured x cherished.

I need to know that i'll get somewhere.

I need to know that i'm worth more than just 'Valerie' .

A name, a body.

More than that.

I want to make it.

I need to.

I have to.

Goals for school:

x wake up on time

x go to school on time regardless however sleepyxtiredxlethargicxboredxmundanexdreadful

x make no excuses

x never give up

x work hard

x be open-minded and accepting to everything i have to do x try

x work triple hard

x do my best (for real)

x have good time management

x have good money management

x be nice

x be ultimately real real real not some plastic fake person

x submit everything to God x leave everything to God x lean on God x include God in everything

x do all work and homework and pass up all work and homework

x do not grow complacent

x love myself

x not compare my works to others and kick myself in the bum for having really bad drawing

x not second guess how/why i got into Lasalle

x trust God

x when in doubt and in need of help, find Vickie because she'll turn me back to God

x not get influenced by the ways of the world through friends

x don't gossip/bitch about/back stab/lie

x still go to church every week

x i suppose i have more goals i just need time to think and finalise and settle

In love

With cooking, potatoes, butter (since forever), Parmesan and pasta.

And always, in love with God.

-

School's starting soon and thats really scary.

I'm scared of all the commitments, workload, responsibilites and of course,

the basics, attending school.

The torture of waking up in the morning is ugh, torture.

Plus, i'm not a 'new-people' type person, so when school starts,

i know i can't wait till everyone's friends with everyone.

Just need to get over the making friends phase.

Oh, and the things we have to buy.

It's so, money-draining.

Expensive school fees, expensive materials.

Not one of my best choicest but definitely one of the choices i'd make if i had to all over again.

Sigh.

But, bright side; i have Vickie and Meixu alongside with me.

Thank God for friends in school.

Going art material shopping with them tomorrow!

Woopwoop that's $300 blown.

Seriously, i musn't be so negative or rather, worried.

Heh, ok.

I can't wait for school :)

I'll get myself some weird weird weird geeky silent WEIRD cranky cool boyfriend, not.

9 days to orientation!

Aches

The realization hit me rather slow, but.

Everywhere i go, i'm faced with brokenness.

Not mine, but others.

Illnesses, stress, breakups, inferiority, broken hearts, pain.

And to make things horribly bad, it's happening to my close friends.

I'm feeling helpless, because no matter how much i say, it won't take everything away.

No matter how much i can do, the problem would still stand.

My heart aches so badly.

Sometimes, it's they themselves that choose to be stuck in the situation emotionally.

Not because they want to, but because they simply aren't strong enough to escape the pull.

And it's times like these makes me angry at them. Because they are not strong enough.

But honestly, are they to blame?

Perhaps partially, for simply not looking at the positives.

However, strength varies and i have to understand that.

Situations vary and i too have to remember that.

But going right down to the core, it's not them.

It can't be.

Why would a group of friends, who support each other, and back each other up,

fall so badly, in individual ways, at the same time?

It cannot simply be pure coincidence. Is there even coincidence in such matters?

Sometimes, as much as i wouldn't like to admit this. The devil's really smart.

However, God's smarter so, He'll outsmart the nincompoop anytime .

But a group of friends, if they all are shaken, and cannot support each other.

They'll all just crumble. Well, but they crumble together... Oh, the irony.

I won't say i'm the strongest. I won't say i'm the remaining pillar left.

But i know, that i haven't been brought down, and i cannot let this 'issue' bring me down.

For if i'm not standing where will they lean on?

So my friendsies if you are reading this, please know that i have nothing to offer,

no advices to give.

But you'll always have my shoulder, my ears, my time, my effort and my love.

V

Eyes fixed on God

Truth be told, i'm always afraid of the plans God has for me.

Truth be told, i'm scared i won't listen due to fear.

Truth be told, no matter what though, i know i am willing to obey His word and will.

Ok God wait for me, i'll be reaching specifics soon.

:)

I just really really, simply, love God.

Hee.

Healing

I am really tired.

I am really solemn.

I don't know where to go from here,

i don't know what to do from now.

Except to follow God, praise God, live for God, love God, lean on God, know God.

I'm really pretty much lost asides from the above sentence.

I just know that i'm going to put 100% trust in a few friends, and from me 100 is almost impossible.

I just pray i won't get hurt.

But when all else fails, God doesn't.

I'm going to sleep on my bench, prop my legs up on my window, enjoy the breeze and listen to quiet, quiet music.

It's time for my break.

Healing, heart being stable, setting my eyes solely on God.

I've made my decision and i really want to give God all my time.

I'm only young once. Only once.

Maybe everything would be easier now.

Just, maybe.

Nicole is awesome! :D

aiyerrrrr i dont like the name nicole. i like tanwei

Ask me anything

lockhart

False.

It's false.

I know i know.

#186

Good morning mellow blue skies.

Thank You God for the cool subtle breeze.

Gentle.

Thank You God for the beautiful clouds.

Amazing.

Thank You God for any single ounce of ability I have to play the guitar.

Teehee.

Thank You God for everything.

I know i fail to put You first in everything.

I know i fail to put You at the center of everything i do.

I know that i want to.

I know that i'm going to try to.

So for every mini thing I want to learn to thank You.

Lord i also pray that You help me.

Let everything not be for motive, for praise, for acknowledgement,

but let everything be humble, pure, true, for You only.

Amen.

Heart

I know mine's not the first heart broken.

I know i'm not the first to cry.

There's this sudden plethora of emotions overwhelming me.

Inferiority, insecurity, vulnerability, fear, disappointment.

Basically everything scary and negative, except anger.

I know i'm not supposed to be feeling this way.

But i'm just suddenly bombarded with feelings that i want to express.

I want to cry, i want to scream, i want to rant nonsensically and nonstop,

with someone holding my hand or cuddling me, understanding every gibberish that escapes my mouth.

I want to bite someone's arm till it leaves a mini mark that goes away in 10 minutes, and instead of pushing me aside, that someone offers me the other arm.

I want to lie on the field and simply stare at the night sky, without anyone looking at me or giving me weird faces.

I want something inexplicable, warm, soothing, calming, safe.

I'm not lovesick, i'm not heartbroken, i'm not rejected.

I just don't feel good enough.

I don't feel worthy.

For anyone.

Only person that i know would except me no matter what is God,

see me as beautiful is God,

forgive every mistake i make is God,

see every flaw as a quality is God.

But daily i'm beaten down by myself, the world, expectations.

I need someone to call my name repeatedly, soothing me.

That someone would be me.

God to You the highest honour

My God, is my shelter and refuge.

My God, makes me cry like a little girl though.. I am one.

My God, simply by His presence makes me fall to my knees in worship.

My God, leaves me speechless time after time.

My God, fills me up.

None of me, all of God.

WHO IS NTWW! :D

nicole tan wei wen

Ask me anything

Within reach,

I know i'm not good enough but would you be okay with whatever I had?

Would you still love me knowing that all i could offer is my love?

Would you still care for me, die for me, knowing that i got nothing more to give in return.

-

Life sux.

Guitar sux.

Getting nowhere.

Need You now.

Need sleep now.

I'm going to be okay,

like always.

I'm going to be okay.

In the mood

Ask me anything

http://www.formspring.me/valerieleaf

Screw this Im done here.

Liars.
What's the purpose.
To trust only to be lied to.
To love only to be betrayed.
To give only to be taken advantage of.

Sick and tired.
Im going to withdraw.

Le Sigh ~

Bloggggging from my ultimately gorgeous white phone, yay me.

Times have been rough, and I'm still sailing through.
Thank God for that.

Of skipped heartbeats and fluttering emotions,
heed not your heart.
Upon false feelings is not where warmth is,
instead is everything other.

Tired. Have been crafting alot so that's good. Crocheting like no tomorrow.
Going to do a mini felt bunting, with glorious pastel colours, to brighten up my room!
Cannot wait to see it up.

And I'm in the process of doing up a totebag.
Actually, around 3 of them. Excited!
I've been rotting but I sound productive, huh?
Wrong, everything I've crafted started yesterday.

Yay me. I thank God I'm a fast learner.
But Jack of all trades and master of none... not too cool.

Listen

"But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
Matthew 6:15

Self

Angry with self.
Lying to self.

Disappointed with self.
Thought of self's emotions wrongly.

It's warped but i took my emotions the wrong way.
I can't even pinpoint what i'm truly feeling,
then honestly.

Who can?
Pathetic.

mai mother ish pretti gurl

Hello world here's an update. I'm back to blogger. This release was nice.

Life is great.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

As if, life sucks balls cause i'm bored balls. Nugget!

Cannot express my desire to have activities lined up daily for me to execute.
"Omg dai-ing dai-ing !!"

Yes home is boring and so has life been.
I need an escape.
Or perhaps simply just some DARN THING TO DO!!!

Barnacles!

Anyway, i'm going to get my Baggu Duck Bag tomorrow and i'm excited.
Sure, i've had my eye on Baggu since my sister introduced me to it last year,
but i've either been broke or broke or lazy or broke.

I need some money-saving-strategy.
I need classes on how to save.
Goooood Lord.

Anyhoo, punks be pissin' and girls be bitchin' .
Getting on my nerves and i'd like to simply flamethrower them all but nope.

Forgiveness is key.

Though having a Charizard to just like flame em' all would be pretty much dope.
:)



Some people seriously have to get over their pasts.
Or our pasts.

Honestly, i've gotten over it.
So you should too.
Honestly, stop holding on to the views you have of me from the past.
You're just pissin' .
I know you spread shit behind my back previously and i'm over it.
You'd prolly go all nervous and 'oh shit' if i dug it up.
In anycase, i've changed and if you choose not to see it.
It's fine.
Your opinion in my eyes counts for nothing though it is irritating.
It's like, how a fly buzzing around you irritates you.
But in one smack you could kill it because it means nothing to you.

Yes you are a fly.
A fly that i love though, because you're my friend.
Just appreciate if you'd either
a) open your eyes and see that i've changed and accept it.
or
b) keep your views to yourself and shut the balls up

:)

I'm such a demure girl yay i love ponies and unicorns and Barbie's my idol.
(wrong i'll flame em' all)

i feel like leaving this space

because another space holds more meaning and depth

Good times will falter

I had my tumblr fix. Ah, good things.

I am going through Operation: Revamp Room .
And I will go through starting o
tomorrow Operation: No Rice and Exercise!!!!!
Yahhhhhh I wi do it!!!!

Nnnnnnneeeeed to lose weight. Having a bunch if beanpoles as
my closest buds isn't fun.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/valerieleaf

Today

go out come home cook pasta

#170

I got a formspring!

For nothing for fun i suppose.

ask me anything. anonymous or not.

Replaced.

I have been replaced. It's obvious. What I always wanted.

However, knowing that I'm a substitute to release your emotions is not a fun thing.
So much better then stop talking since I won't help.

Sensitive? Ya.
So?

I don't want to talk to you - period.

More then me.

God, You are so brave.

You loved us knowing that some of us won't love You back,

loved us knowing that we might accuse You.

Loved us knowing that not all of us will be back to You.

#167

I am going to buy a book.

In that book, i will have random doodles all over.

Inspiration much?

When i feel like it i just take it out and doodle.

Set.

Daiso tomorrow for a cheapo 2 dollar plain paged book.

Or... i just might make one for myself now.

Once, and never went back.

#165

You, are like a gorgeous red pink sunset, against the ridiculous pastel blue sky.

The colours of white, pink, orange and blue are swirling in a mix.

But you are more beautiful, you.

A change is gonna come.

I feel like moving to Livejournal.

SHOCKINGLY. Yes.

After years of Blogger.

Anyway today's a really productive day and i'm really happy and i truly intend to make

every single day like today.

P.r.o.d.u.c.t.i.v.e.

I... really want to drink sprite but my sister took it all and Brice said

"Plain water only" .

Want to lose weight.

Okay tired want to sleep bb

#163

Colin.H too, but Ian Ohara all the more?

#162

And i'm thinking Ian Ohara is really gorgeous.

iCade

Might be the only reason why i would maybe ever buy an iPad

#160

I want to go pierce ear.

Eh...

brb i go earn money first

Have you ever thought...

Perhaps. Maybe.

The people who never gave up on you,

were those you gave up on.

me

dope max

stoked max

.

If you're gonna put it so crudely don't ever speak to me

Boomchickywalawala

I WILL LOSE WEIGHT!!!!@!#@$!#@%$#@%$#T%$#

i go cycle nao bye

The world says

"Don't be rash"

I'm so tempted to just take the scissors and trim my hair to bangs.

Like bang then my fringe would be banged.

Sounds flippin' wrong but.

I'm so tempted to do something with my hair i just don't know what.

I'd like to perm it but i don't know where to go and perm,

and my mom's usual stylist is like piece of shit at perming.

Once bitten twice shy i tell ya' !

I don't suit bangs but i'm so flippin' bored i just think i might just cut bangs.

Or snip like 5 inches of my hair.

Cue: No your long hair! Don't cut!

Okay fine kiddies, then what, colour?

Sure blonde. Red.

I want to do red but it's so hard to maintain, or even get.

Bleach then dye then every time wash colour will run.

Blonde ley, cannot suit.

Asians asians asians.

Brunette cannot no difference black is common blondish,light brownish is ultimate lianzx.

I JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING WITH MY HAIR!

And with that i'm going to cut my fringe to long bangs now.

I know i'll regret later i might not even do it

why am i so rash i don't know shut it

bye.

So look here,

I want the perfect u-neck tee with longer short sleeves.

Savvy?

Feelin' like a bum.

There's nothing to do and nothing required of me to do.

I'm tired though.

Everything's going on repeat, it's boring.

I'm having a headache.

I want food. Because i want food and i'm not hungry.

I want to do something but i don't have the mood because of the headache.

I want to tell someone i love them, i want to do something for someone.

I want to make someone feel special.

I want to tire myself going all out for someone.

I want to stop thinking.

I'm glad

that i'm able to help because then i'm not worthless.

Speak

I did not paste polaroids because i don't have blue tack.
Mission: Buy Blue Tack.

But, i'll have to paint my room walls so...
Mission: Polaroid walls only after it's painted.

In order to have my walls painted...
Mission: Carry out all furniture.

For that to happen...
Mission: Clear out things in room.

So many things, so much time.

Well,

because you don't deserve it

Pissed

poser, much?

Wah my mother

"if you want your iphone, you go do your ic"
"you don't do your ic, i don't buy your iphone"
"i'm sure you want your iphone before you go genting right, by this week right"
*laughs

wah cheeky siol my ma

#

Her shoes are so near perfekt .

but that's the last straw.

I suppose your only way out is restarting everything.
Ground zero.
New. Friend.

Because it hurt.
You just don't know, do ya'.
Clueless. Dumb, if i would say, in these things.
You're helpless, fragile, so breakable that i just want to demolish you entirely.

But i don't.
And you do it.

Sure, confide in me.
But don't confide in me that you'd rather confide in someone else.
Because that's bitch ultimate.

clockwork

my mind is not thinking straight.

Good morning

i look outside window.
entire traffic spam on the cte/pie side towards bishan.
then the side towards angmokio is like pathetic only.

imagine this.

towards cte
------------
towards amk

=
..................................
..................................
-------------------------
.  .       .        .            . .

yes the dots are cars. OMG

Lowdown

313 bores the ultimate crap out of me.
So does OC.
Ion's getting boring.

It's forever boring everywhere.

Uncrowded Daisos bring me so much joy.
The revamped Spotlight with everything placed differently pisses the haystack out of me.
I spent $22 at Daiso today.
I spent $11 at Spotlight today.
I spent $2.5 on Takoyaki.

I went out alone. Because that's how i roll.
Plus it's good when it's just you, and you alone.
Everything's a jiffy and you don't get cold water here and there on redundant things.

I need to register for Lasalle soon. 3 days have passed.
I have 11 more days to clinch my student spot at Lasalle.
Time ticks.

Yawn, tomorrow i'll spend my day at home sewing, crafting, and all that jazz.
And i'll bring Dollar out for a walk in the morning. Preferbly 6.45 when it's cooling..
so i suppose i just won't sleep now.

Time to watch my shows hey hey.

Okay,

so i think i like a loser who's cool in a certain way

Fatazz

Shirt. Denims - Topshop

Belt - H&M

Wedges - Local store
Watch - Casio

cray cray

I don't have anything left to do, except wait.
No more needing to wake up early.
I can sleep as late as i want.

I might just go cray cray ~

I need something to do.
I need money to do something to do.
Dang.

Dang

there are some people i rather not have reading my blog.
and i can't say

"stop reading my blog"
and i dont want to change my url because then i'll have to start informing.
omg ballsac kill me

little things

ANPANMAN PLASTER

More then infatuation

I guess i'm silly.

Small Talk

it don't mean much anyway.

Gaybriel

Gabriel says:

yeah

starbucks

why u wanna work ah

i think u'll fit in

V says:

lol how come.

but yeh i need work omg

Gabriel says:

cause everyones there is retarted

retarded*

OMG THEY STILL HAS IT

after so long they still has the shirt me wants!

i suppose

you used to be cool now you're just so step.

Happiness happens when our heart's combined.

Soon and very soon.

Hey Lord, sup'.

You are the epitome of awesome, no doubt.

And without You, who would i be?

But God, i'm praying that You'll help me lean on You.

Amen.

Double V

hey babe you know i love CHA too.

complicated words may hold deep meanings but simplicity brings messages across best.

thank God for you.

always, all ways.

history

you were my revival

you were my floating ship

you were my dreams

you were my secret refuge

you were my pull away from calamity

you were my motivation

you were my reason

you were my joy

you were my fears

you were my thoughts

now.

what are you?

Y'know

I don't want to feel worthless.

But sometimes, i just am.

And i'm sorry that i can't do anything right and time and time again you have to point it out.

In a lying, cheating world.

Counterculture is key

Meant to be.

you are the one for me

after all the waiting i can finally breathe

earth and sky say what they may

i will love you all throughout my days

happiness happens when our hearts combine

when its you i'm with i come alive

its just so clear to see

darling, we are meant to be

- Melissa Polinar

To the only thing that's true.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

#124

i saw this in topshop & flipped

Shopping X Lootz

hongkong X singapore

i can't look you in the eyes, how could bring my self to let such words leave my lips.

Questioning

messed up.

confused.

thank God for friends.

some may have drifted away but they're worth fighting for.

most are still rock solid beside me all the way.

some are entirely gone, but thank you for just being in my life.

i'm so not bothered with using caps now.

So sorry

i'm gonna disappear

Actually

It doesnt mean anything if i had to mention it.

I just don't want to give up on some friends.

Because they have worth.

Forever

You are beyond hilarious.

I want to give you all up but i can't.

Please just realize i am here.

Glorious

How someone takes delight in the simplest of things that his/her lover does

Hold on to yourself because there's always someone

"Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved." - Victor Hugo

Ice

Back from Hongkong.

No pictures, so live with that.

And i probably bought the most adorable tights ever and i'm in love with em'.

And i probably want to take photos of my loots to irritate people.

And i wish i could have sent Stacia off.

I miss her alot already.

Oh by the way, random thought.

It's really scary how people remain in your heart even though you're gone in theirs.

Really scary.

H&M in Hongkong wasn't really all that amazing.

Scored some awesome items though, so overall.

H&M ftw.

Because i got the cutest tights in the world from there.
Yes. There.

I really wish Stacia was around and i can irritate her with cat fur and we'll play bball together

and we'll miss the hoop together and she'll be like tsk and i'll be like tsk and we'll be

double tsk. Oh Stacia if you're seeing this i miss you alot and i really want to see you soon!

I'm still waiting for Lasalle's letter, can you believe that!

I don't want to do KCP for another year, i know i'll die.

And, also.

I might be teaching my niece and nephew English!

How cute is THAT!

They'll probably not listen to me and be really rude to me and like my nephew will probably

air punch me (like how Niguel air-kicks/punches me ALL THE TIME).

Regardless.

I don't mind travelling down to Bedok and teaching them.

Afterall i am their AUNT.

(old shit is me)

Ah, i realised most of the things i bought, = black or dark colours.

Oh and i bought Doc Mart' LOOK ALIKES.

Oh hallelujah gorgeous gorgeous gorgus.

Which reminds me, i have to catch up on 5awesomegays on youtube.

I love Korey and Tyler from 5AG !

Oh gosh i miss my church mates so much and it probably would not be so weird if i hadn't

dreamt of Wilson wearing a blonde wig.

Serenity

Silence.
Room.
4.7%.
People sleeping.

I'm awake.
In Hong Kong.

Today was, bad.
There were some good points but the bad weighs out more.

I'm solemn.
No, 4.7% didn't affect me in any way.
The silence did.


I know i can have more than this.
I need more than this.

Do work V,

GONE

OFF TO HONGKONG BYEEEE

random shizzle. the post before this is awesomer

BECAUSE IM THAT AWESOME TO BE AWAKE THAT EARLY TO BE ABLE TO CATCH THIS AWESOMENESS OF GOD'S AWESOMELY GLORIOUS CREATION

MY MOTHER'S FACE IS PRICELESS

kidz orf ze fewcha

Learning

Love is lasting a lifetime together regardless arguments, fights, mistakes, lies.

Love is when forgiveness is of abundance.

Love is all that and so much more that we have yet to understand.

#107

I was thinking.

Had i worked at Uniqlo.

I'll be able to see that big-ass poster of Cole Mohr everyday.

Wow.

if

give me an hour to think through everything.

and jot every thought i have down in point form.

one day i shall.

Testing Waters

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Patience. is. key.

Hongkong, Lasalle, parcels.

Wait.

Pulse

Having a headache because i just cried so badly watching some Japanese drama.

Oh good Lord heal me.

Hah.

And it's dinner time alone again.

Tsk!

I am going to cook the beehoon thingy or meegoreng

or koka black pepper noodle (woah like the bombz).

My nongshim nuudlez ran out sobzx but koka be the new love.

It's koka right.

or coca.

WHATEVER !

Brain hurts. Head hurts.

I missed American Idol yesterday. SHIT

Admiration

When what you need is taken away from you.

Stripped away.

Snatched.

Not giving you a chance in the world to stop it,

or prepare, or know what to do next.

But you don't give up, and you continue.

Photographer

"Photographing a cake can be art" —Irving Penn

Hi my name is Valerie and i really want a hedgehog.

Goal:

Hedgehog as a pet and it WILL happen.

Somehow.

Cold hard truth

I don't know you.

At all.

You don't know of my existence,

most of the time.

Parents, family, way you speak, way you live, dreams, goals, inspirations.

Nothing.

This too shall pass.

But when.